4years ago...

So before I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was having alot of trouble living everyday life. Everyone around me put me down because, they didn't get to see everything I went threw, id lock myself in my room for days , sometimes even weeks at a time. I'd go to sleep and I'd have horrifying nightmares, I'd wake up having a panic attack then insomnia would take over.
my major triggers involved anything normal, I couldn't even be around people I knew and loved anymore.
you might be wondering how I developed PTSD.
well it started when I met this guy, I thought he was a really good guy , he lured me by his kindness and after the relationship was on its way things slowly changed, he became more and more different, no trace of the guy I once liked remained in him he was a completely different person. you see that's what abusers do. The fake kindness to take grasp of you then overtime there true intensions, or true selves come out , controlling, jealous of even your family members, isolate you from the outside world, beat you , down degraded you , sexually abuse, you become there slave because you fear them and don't know what to do, so u stay hoping someone anyone would hear your screams, cries of physical and emotional pain. I wasn't lucky enough to have anyone help me, I had to help myself, it took me 7years to gather up the courage, strength, and smarts to plan an escape. He had his way with me for far too long for me to allow him to continue, as I was stuck inside 24/7 when he would leave and have his family come over to watch my every move I would stay in my room only get out to use the bathroom so they wouldn't come to my room to check as often if I went to the bathroom a few times to insure that I wasn't trying to leave the house or whatnot , little do they know that I was planning plotting and training myself for the escape for my life and I knew if I failed and didn't strategize this properly he would probably kill me for trying to.
I tought myself to throw a punch , and to move threw my cluttered room with ease , I purposely made it a mess that night , id practice for hours on end ile he would be out doing god knows what.
He came home at 9pm that night, his cousins and father were talking his ears off, the drank some beer, I know because he ordered me to grab them and serve them. Just like a slave. After they left he wanted to have me sexually, I usually would fight it and then zone out and lock myself someplace happy in my mind . But tonight I couldn't do that, I had to be mentally present and pretend to be into it for once, he makes me feel nauseous even now thinking about it. I needed him to give me the opportunity to take control over the situation, he eventually did I made him feel how good my fake sexual pleasure was and with it I hit him 4x on the head with my fists my last punch landed right to his temple, he was knocked out. I grabbed only an old cell phone of mine nothing else and I left not entirely sure where I was going, or how hard life with no money and nowhere to go , not to mention not knowing anyone in new York city at all other than the people that allowed him to treat me like that, they even helped, they are just as bad as he is.
anyway, I made a friend on the way to long island, he let me live in his van for a few months, I found out that the closest beach was 3miles away and id walk there because they had warm shower water, you know the water you're supposed to rinse off with, id get there at 4am every morning id arrive with enough time to take a long nice warm shower, it may sound really bad but it was the beat feeling ever especially since never knew when I could take one next. All day id walk around looking for a job and I'd also , within 30 days of constant search, I had a job at McDonald's I worked the drive threw during late nights. My PTSD started to present itself during that time, I of course had no idea what was happening to me or what PTSD even was I thought only people who went to war could get that. I kept telling myself its just a stressful job , and I still was living out of the van at that point , eating my only one meal at work , getting out of work sometimes as late as 4am giving me very little time to rush to the beach to shower before anyone got there . Then walking back to go to sleep in the van and doing it all over again. I ended up meeting my friends mom she finally invited me into there home and I rented a room from them for 6months then I left for college in fort Collin Colorado . I'll write another post later tonight to continue from this point . Also I still wasn't diagnosed yet and I was suffering with extreme stress